One Sided Love...

One Sided Love

I may not be the person who had known you for the longest, how I wish that I can be the person that will be keep remember by you from now on J

My first time get to heard your name was when we get in the same class when attend binus orientation, I heard of your name because in the class that a guy name Paul said he like you J and said that you are pretty to our buddy coordinator, back then I dont think that I’ve any kind of courage to get to know you or even to see you directly. I have never directly see you back then , I just heard your name for few times in class, and heard that you are pretty^^,

oh and we are same class back then with findy, hartini already and got victor etc.. hehe..

After moving on, I’ve never get the chance to having same class with you sadly :( Maybe we are not fate to each other? *dramatic , If I’m not remembered wrong that I get to know you when around our 2nd year in binus, you are a close friend with linda and the same time linda is close with stephanie, therefore I’m also friend of stephanie. Maybe during few time passing by, I get to know you. Amazing? When do we start to talk? How you know of me? How do you think of me? How I wish I know :P.. Yaahh, it’s still only about that I know you and not just only know your name anymore, even not really can be counted as friend I thought..

After that life still moving on untill our 7th smester, I finally got into the same class with you eventhough we only got 1 subject that is same class, I really excited to attend that same subject class each week, and try to get to know you and see you somehow..

I may have heard your name since 4 years ago, but I do really get to know you in this last year, I still remember that for the first time I encouraged myself to ask for your number out of the blue in the only class we’ve been together so far in our 4th year.

In class, I often try to get chances to sit beside you or near you, so I can making excuses to talk to you in someway and somehow, and amazingly I do really get chance to spoke with you.. but still it sometimes didn’t go too well, sometime how I wish you would sit beside me or I will get the chance to sit beside you, but you usually sit beside with one of your best friend, and it didnt have any sit around you that I can change to sit.. and also I didnt dare to make it so obvious that I want get close to you, I’m afraid maybe.. Afraid of something that I’m not sure of, will I be get dislike by you somehow? if I get too close to you or be so straightforward to show that I like you? How I wish, I would know the answer.. How I really wish back then.. So, I can do the better choices J

I still remember that I text you quite oftenly, maybe everyday? Or once two days? I dont know, but I do know you arent replying my text, or reply it after hours since I text.. Maybe you are avoid of me.. I just keep texting you occasionally, and hope you will replied me somehow.. But things doesnt go as I wished, I got text from you that said “eventhough I seldom replied your text, you are still my friend”. How should I feel when get that kind of text from the one you like? Should be fun isnt it? *sob... Just endure it, I start reduce texting you, still sometimes text you hope you will reply though..

After the end of our 7th smester.. and after finish our exam, at the last day of our exam I got a chocolate and giving to you, at first you dont want to accept it, but after little convincing from me, at the end you also received it, also that time I got the first chance to take a picture with you eventhough with others , so we arent taking a pics alone.. after that i got text you, and you said thanks for the chocolate and I got said I just wish you will reply my text more oftenly.. after that start holiday hehe.. and also I start to having internship in the company I wont ever forget ^^. I didn’t really get any chance to get close with you anymore, cause mentally and physically I felt tired when having intership there for about 2 and half months, afterwork I dont feel like doing anything, and also weekend also feel like to rest.. Eventhough sometimes during our Saturday class I still get to see you, and still I never really get chance to sit anywhere near you or talk to you since you usually talking with your friends.. which is sad for me..

After I finished my internship at the end of april, in the beginning of May I start to rush on my final project or thesis, and I starting getting chance to get to close with you again, when you are facing problem when doing it... should I count it as blessing ? eventhough you are quite suffering from it, and for the first time I saw you cried after getting scolded from ur guidance lecture, I dont know what to do, how I wish I can hold you, eventhough I know that’s impossible.. coz when that’s happen got 2 of our friends there too, and they are holding you.. So I just dont know how to cheer you up, and just blabbering around.. How I wish I can help you and represent you to talk to ur lecturer.. But I know it aint gonna happen, coz it will only make the thing worse.. I just can helping you, helping you within my capabilities to help you making the project keep going on.. After that you got to consult with our lecturer, and he’s giving you suggestion, and after that you are consulting with another lecturer and you start to working on your final project again.. From that on, I dont really helping you anymore, I dont really get the chance to help you, you arent seeking help from me anymore, and Im not able suddenly to offer helping you out of the blue, I just wish how I can got the chance to get close to you, by helping you or any other means... *wishful thinking..

Somehow your project is still on track, so it’s keep going on and getting near to done, for sometimes I know that you are feeling to give up and I just can encourage you to keep on, cause I believe that you definitely can doing it, and in the end you manage to finish it and also you print out your project.. on 24th june , you bring your print out project to consult with your lecturer, I dont know how the result untill one of your friend text me said, your project still need to revise, I got to text you and call you but you didnt reply me.. and I just doing nothing..

I know, that there’s many chance back there I slipped out, and Im not doing my best to help you.. How I wish I can get another chance again.. but will I?  I dont know also didnt expect anything...

During 4th of july, it’s my turn for final project hearing.. honestly I feel really nervous and tense.. But after I get in to the room, I start to believe that I need to do it and somehow It went all well, sadly you didnt make it to see my hearing process.. should I feel sad? I also dont know, after the hearing done and get the result out and I get an A grade, I do feel happy but i also feel empty.. nothing to be really happy about it except relief.. after that we take picture, and somehow for the first time I get the chance to take a picture with you :D.. Things turn out not so bad, if I dont get to know that last month you are start dating with a another guy already.. What should I do? And what should I said? My mood feel quite down back then, eventhough I just got pass for my hearing.. The thing make me more sad is I know it from my friend that saw you with him together at a mall for dating..

After go home, I text you and said thanks you for coming and congratulate that you are dating.. I really want to see hows your reaction, and really turn out that you are dating with him already, it makes me quite down for sometimes.. and in the night you got text me said that you are sorry.. and we got chat for a while about why you are sorry.. from then I got to chat with you more often, because in past you will seldom reply my text.. and when you said sorry, you told me that you dont want give me hope..

I dont really able to think straight, I should be sad and leave you alone.. but somehow im not able to do it, I still go to campus when you are coming for watch an hearing, so I can get to see you.. Still I dont know what will be happening next or what will turn out later..

I will just egoistly and wishfully do the things that Im able to do for you somehow..

You may be not knowing anything of what I know, and maybe will gradually forget me already.. but the image of you still clinging around in me, I may have slipped away many chances to get to know you and giving my best, but how I wish I will get another chance to know you better..

All of this is only from my point of view and purely one sided love, and just a little boy wishful thinking and day dreaming J

-Darwin-

I like you, when I say it I do really mean it.. Im not deserved to say I love you, because I didnt prove enough to express the way love I expected it would be..